Gettin' Dirty

You reap what you sow.  Literally.  This past weekend I donated four hours of my time on a hot afternoon near the border of Mexico.  It was Volunteer Day at Wild Willow Farm http://wildwillowfarm.sandiegoroots.org/ and I got to plant and water an entire row of shrubs.  It was back-breaking work, but fun at the same time. I put a lot of love into the soil and made sure each shrub was planted with perfection.  I met fellow garden-lovers and wanna-be farmers and we shared a unique bond for composting and heirloom seeds. 

This is the beauty of volunteerism; you can find an opportunity that excites you, all the while giving back to the community and helping others. The giving of your time, as opposed to writing a check to charity is rewarding and priceless.  Plus, now I have a place to go if I’m itching to pick some vegetables or I want to check up on my shrubbery.  Yeeehaw

More Beer, Please

Mmmmm…..beer.  It’s amazing on so many levels.  How does beer relate to my quest to enlightenment? Well, for obvious reasons, it makes me happy, tastes good and is buzz-worthy.  It also led me to an introduction to the Editor of SD Uptown News.  To be fair, we’re not talking about your run-of-the-mill generic light beer; this was a five-course, farm-to-table, organic spread with a six-ounce starter at 13.6%.  Anyway, I digress.

As the stars aligned, we sat next to the Editor and I immediately asked if she needed any freelancers and offered my services.  I can say with 100% conviction that I wouldn’t have asked the question if I hadn’t been writing this blog.  My new found confidence and willingness to try new things pushed me out of my comfort zone and straight into a news story!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared shitless.  It’s been years, a decade approximately, since I’ve written a news article, but my journalism degree and brand-new AP style book will help lead the way.  Plus, I get to be objective and my opinions and views do not matter.  Presenting the facts, interviewing, and generating story ideas will be fun.  Not to mention, it will look good on my resume too.

New opportunities are coming my way and I am ready for them. Bring on the challenge and bring on more beer.  Cheers!

Book Review:

A Lover’s Discourse (Fragments) by Roland Barthes.  Published in 1978, this book dissects the emotions and feelings when in love.  As Barthes explains, “What is proposed, then is a portrait – but not a psychological portrait; instead, a structural one which offers the reader a discursive site: the site of someone speaking within himself, amorously, confronting the other (the loved object), who does not speak”.  Topics range from the recognizable, “Jealousy”, “Truth”, “The Love Letter”, to the more obscure, “The Tip of the Nose”, “Dark Glasses”, and “Clouds”. 

I was particularly drawn to the chapter, “I Love You”.  I-love-you: the figure refers not to the declaration of love, to the avowal, but to the repeated utterance of the love cry.  The point being, the actual phrase doesn’t mean much; it’s the feelings and actions behind it.  Barthes says, “I repeat it exclusive of any pertinence; it comes out of the language, it divagates – where”?  Loves comes from the depths of your heart. You show love more than you can ever annunciate it.  It is unconditional, and it is ever-lasting.  You could be in love for a day or a thousand years, and the degree that it is felt is just the same.  Forrest Gump puts it best… “I’m not a smart man….but I know what love is”.

Endless Gratitude & Boundless Forgiveness

There are two acts that I believe can help bring everyone inner peace and happiness.  They do not need to be flashy, or subtle; they can be both if the situation warrants it.  Be thankful.  It’s easier to face difficulties when you are grateful for what you have and not concentrate on what you do not have.  You will always be drawn back to a humble state-of-being when you look at your life as a gift, and reflect on the positive influences in your life.  In times of struggle, I am reminded of the great friends I have in my corner.  They show me unconditional love by providing support, laughter and a shoulder to cry on.  I do the same for them, and have genuine happiness for their success.  Gratitude can start with a smile or a simple ‘thank you’, but when you want to feel it on a deeper level, reach out and tell a friend or family member how much they mean to you.  When you say it from the heart and unscripted, there is no better compliment and benefits each person equally.  Being thankful for the people in your life is only one aspect of endless gratitude.  It comes in many forms, and it starts with the recognition that your life path is where it is supposed to be today.  You made it through yesterday, and you have hope for tomorrow.  You are living, breathing and choosing to move forward.  

The act of forgiveness is equally as important as giving thanks.  When you harbor resentment or anger, it affects you more negatively than the person or situation you can’t forgive.  We all make mistakes; no one is perfect.  The process of letting go is to forgive with no restrictions or boundaries.  This opens your heart to more love, more patience, and more space to let in the good.  You can also forgive yourself for not knowing better in your past actions. As you learn from your mistakes, you can choose to not repeat them.  We are all a work in progress.  Love comes from within first in order to give it freely and without regret to others.

 

Books I’m thankful this week:

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman:  This guy is fucking hilarious! Anyone who can compare a relationship to a Coldplay lyric or argue a race debate on being a Lakers vs Celtics fan is a genius in my eyes.  I want to write like him.  I want to read more of his stuff.  I never want to date him.

Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle:  Tolle is my new spiritual hero.  His views are simple, yet powerful and I intend for them to stay with me for a lifetime.  

Work Smarter, Not Harder

As the days pass by, and no new leads or interviews on the horizon, I start to feel a little defeated.  Looking for a job is hard work and I know I'm not spending enough time with the search or looking in the right places.  My stubborn side tells me that something will show online and my resume and cover letter will get me in the door, but my logical side tells me, this isn't working and I need to reach out to my network.  This humbles me and, quite frankly, hurts my ego that I need to rely on others.  This is my path -- my cross to bear, but I am reminded of a saying from my former manager and greatest mentor..."work smarter, not harder".  This was my motto throughout my stay as a banker.  I could always find a way to bring in new deals, without the rigmarole of cold-calling, appointment-setting, and dead-end meetings that typically amounted to nothing.  So, what am I going to do about it?

I need a plan.  I need a strategy.

My spirit is getting stronger, and I'm enjoying unemployment again with daily trips to yoga and afternoon volleyball play.  I'm in a better place mentally, but in order for me to feel fulfilled again I need to work.  I'm smart, creative, and a people-person.  I need to use these skill sets again, and everything else will fall into place.   My plan will to be to reach out to my former co-workers; the ones who have been contacting me for months for lunch dates and I have been nicely blowing them off.  I'm ready. Let's do this!

I took away a lot from the Dalai Lama event last week.  The one philosophy I keep going back to was his story about a horse.  The horse with the blinders on his eyes.  They cannot see what happened to them in the past, nor can they see what's going on around them -- they can only concentrate and focus on what's in front of them as far as their eyes can see.  Do not worry about the past, it already happened...let it go.  Do not worry about what others around you are doing or saying; it doesn't affect you.  Only focus on the present moment, and how you are going to put one foot in front of the other to get where you're going for the day.  Do not have anxiety or expectations for the future.  If you follow your heart, you will never be wrong.

Book Finished:
Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform your Life, by Judith Orloff, M.D.:  I saw this book as a combination of Radical Acceptance, and The Power of Now. The author pointed out a lot of the areas where you harbor different emotions, and how to free yourself of them.  I took away some new meditation techniques and also learned that it is okay to cry.  This is your body's natural way of letting pain go, and brings you to a calmer place.  She also touched upon your dreams, what some of them may mean and how remembering dreams can help you make decisions and understand situations better.  She suggested that you can write an intention in a dream journal before you go to bed, and also write down any dreams you experience.  The journal is a good way to reflect on dreams and setting an intention to your unconscious sleep state can make new opportunities happen.  Hey, what the heck, it's worth a shot.

Evolution; It's Simply Amazing

As each day passes with my new level of consciousness leaning towards happiness and optimism, I continue to see the shift and gains.  My yoga practice and daily meditation is giving me great comfort and new strength to my body and mind.  I volunteered at the Food Bank the other day and after three hours of a thank-less job of bagging 7000 pounds of cabbage, I was delighted to find a ticket to the Dalai Lama come my way.  Good karma some people may call it, but I say, the Universe is conspiring to help me as I help others and myself.

I've been filling my brain with great books and they continue to change the way I think. I do believe that if I didn't experience this much pain and suffering, I would have never decided to do all the things I have been doing to improve my well-being.  They are working.  I am much happier and at peace with what is now, not what could have been or happened in my past.  I have been carrying a great sorrow of past rejections and moments of losing my way, but as I keep letting those go, I gain more confidence in myself and who I truly am. The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle has revolutionized the way I think - my observation of my thoughts and how to enjoy the Now and not to worry about the future or fret about the past.  I never knew my Ego was not my friend, it's the voice in your head trying to control the way you act and feel emotions.  Your true self -  your soul is who you really are, and once you still the mind, your soul goes into auto-pilot. My soul is filled with joy, empathy, love, hope, beauty and peace.  These are the feelings I want to keep on the fore-front of my mind, and life becomes so much easier and fulfilling.

My current breakthrough:  As a person, I will always be evolving - learning new things, teaching others, facing obstacles and triumphs, but it is my soul, my inner-self that will continue to shine with a bright light and that can never be taken away from me.  (Shit, did I just quote a Katy Perry song?)

Books I read these past two weeks:

• The Buddha in the Attic, by Julie Otsuka.  Tales of everyone and no one in particular facing the challenge of being Japanese living in America during the attack on Pearl Harbor and the aftermath they faced in war camps.  Fiction, based on non-fiction...quick read in a writing style I have never seen before..no stand-out characters, but you could connect with them on different levels.
• The Dog Who Danced, by Susan Wilson. Girl loses her dog on a trip cross-country to visit her dying father. In an about-face, she discovers the long-lost love and approval from her Dad, all the while finding a 'knight in shining Harley', and the return of her best friend. Fiction - beach read!
• Journey to Ixtlan, The Lessons of Don Juan, by Carlos Castaneda.  This book falls right into the theme of finding your Power and following your inner warrior.  I got a lot out of this book on a spiritual level and actually made me think, taking peyote might not be so bad.
• The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle.  This book changed my life.  I will try to take on the challenge of covering it in my next post...  baby steps.

Keeping It Real

Truth be told, this whole positive-thinking and optimism is hard work.  Today is just one of those days that I feel like a failure and just want to get away from it all.  This is coming from a girl who grew up fighting to fit in and never feeling good enough.  Do I need to dissect where my insecurities came from to be free of them all?  They seem to come and go on good days and bad days, but they continue to be an under-lying challenge for me.  I want to find a job where I'm happy to go to work everyday and people value me; I want to be in a loving relationship with constant support and companionship.  They couldn't seem more farther to grasp than in any other point of my life.  When I get so close, they get teared away so easily.

I am fighting and I am digging deep to learn from these hardships and become a better person.  I don't want to live in the past, with regret and I don't want to keep worrying about the future.  I want to have faith all will work out great for me, I just need to put in the hard work.  No one said it would be easy.  No one said it would be this hard either.

A New Vision: LifeClass

I will always be a student: this I know for sure.  My mind is opening up to new ways of thinking and approaching life.  I would always laugh at the thought of 'self-help', because it conjured up images of desperate people willing to brainwash themselves for the hope of a better way to look at life.  Well, if Oprah can get on board with it, so can I.  I love Oprah (not embarrassed to say so) and profound authors.  They have popped into my life recently, and happy to share what I have learned.

On Oprah's LifeClass these past two weeks featured Self Help Guru's, Iyanla Vanzant and Tony Robbins.  Their  message was almost exactly the same, if you want a better life, you gotta change your story.  Meaning, stop living in the past, living in fear and feeling sorry for yourself.  Give yourself a good kick in the pants and start working on becoming a better person.  In order to make a breakthrough in life, use your fear as power to throw yourself into a better strategy to get what you want/desire and stay in a quality state of mind.  I keep telling myself, happiness in a choice, it's easier to go through life with a smile, than continue to dwell on the sadness.  It seems simple enough, but I never really had the courage to do it.

Books I finished:

• A Sorrow Beyond Dreams, by Peter Handke.  This is a poignant, yet sad tale that chronicles the author's mother's life and her suicide.  His mother seemingly got caught up in her sad story and never found a way to get out of it.  Her fear was so strong that she couldn't step into the 'unknown' and make changes.  "And because your days were spent in unchanging associations, with the same things, they became sacred to you; not leisure but work was sweet.  Besides, there was nothing else."  "Instead of losing herself in her work, she took it in stride; consequently she was discontented."
• The Zahir, by Paulo Coelho.  After just finishing The Alchemist, I had to get my hands on another book by this author.  He hasn't disappointed yet.  The story revolves around an obsession (the Zahir) to find his missing wife, understand why she left him in the first place and to free himself of his story.  I can relate to this book on many levels and took me on a journey to free myself.  "When I had nothing more to lose, I was given everything.  When I ceased to be who I am, I found myself. When I experienced humiliation and yet kept on walking, I understood that I was free to choose my destiny." 

My Personal Legend

On my quest to Enlightenment, I am taking small steps each day, knowing that this is a life-long journey and a never-ending path to discovery.  The changes I have been making since beginning of this phase will hopefully stay with me over time and continue to bring new positive changes in my life.

1. Choose to Be Happy.  I realize that happiness is a choice - it took me awhile to get there.  I have spent too many years dwelling on my sadness and living in the past.  I'm thankful for my life, friends and family and by putting a smile on my face, the world is a happier place.  This new-found optimism also seems to be rubbing off on the people around me.  It's amazing how a few words of encouragement and gratitude can go such a long way.
2. Meditation.  I view this as a form of exercise for my mind and soul.  To me, it's not connected to any religion or God; just an act of peace and lovingkindness to myself.  The more I practice it, the better I get at it.  Clearing out my mind for 20 minutes, twice a day, puts me in a calmer space. It helps to rid my mind of negative thoughts and gives me encouragement that I do matter and life is happening now and the world is conspiring to bring me peace and happiness.
3. Stay Busy - Help Others.  I recently signed up to volunteer at a local food kitchen. My days are wide-open, so I mind as well fill them by helping others.  I am also trying to say 'yes' to whatever comes my way - in terms of exercising or hanging out with friends, events or anything new that interests me.
4. Read.  I have always loved reading. I continue to pour myself into books, instead of lounging in front of a tv. I could keep myself busy for the rest of my life with an endless supply of books at the library.  I am also finding that this is helping me re-spark my love of writing - hence, this blog.

I finished two books this weekend, and without planning, there themes both focused on personal growth and making your dreams become a reality.

• The Water-Babies, by Charles Kingsley.  This fairy tale classic was first published in 1863. It's a magical story of an unfortunate young boy who's life changes for the better, only after he takes on a journey of self-discovery, with a lot of bumps in the road.  "You must not talk about 'aint' and 'can't' when you speak of this great wonderful world round you, of which the wisest man knows only the very smallest corner..."

• The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho.  I read this book years ago, and fell in love with it all over again. The clear message is to follow your dream, your Personal Legend, as the Soul of the World is conspiring for you to achieve it..   "It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting..." "Before a dream is realized the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way."  

The young shepherd is told that his Personal Legend was discovered early in life, when everything seems more clear and possible.  It is not until you experience pain and disappoint for the first time that your Personal Legend (dream) starts to fade with the fear that it will not be realized.  It is this fear that should be your driving force in life to work even harder to accomplish your goals. "It's a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your Personal Legend.  It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the Universe.  It's your mission on earth....And when you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."  This helps me realize that I may not be on a specific career path at this present time, but I cannot be afraid to start over; start something new and take a chance in life.  What was my Personal Legend as a small girl?  How did it fade away so deep and quickly that I can't even remember what it was in the first place? Possibly, my Personal Legend has yet to be discovered, so therefore, my dreams are wide open and ready to begin.  With this path before me, I still try to keep with the practice of living in the now and forgiving myself for any past mistakes or mishaps along the way.  "The secret is here in the present.  If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it.  And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better.  Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children.  Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity."  I have today, right now to grow with an open heart and dig deeper than I ever have to uncover my Personal Legend; what matters most to me in this world and start working towards it.