Dance Little Liar

I have a job, now what?!

Cue the music.  Cue the lights.  I am enlightened!

Or not.  My path continues...

After nearly 15 months of unemployment, I had no clue what I was up against in the world of cubicles, computer programs, quirky co-workers and too close for comfort bathroom situations.  Apparently, technology (the death of me) and marketing go hand-in-hand.  It wasn't and still isn't an easy adjustment to go back to the 8 - 5 grind, but I've found my way through some of the hurdles and continue to build my confidence.  I can relate to others who gone through unemployment for an extended period of time.  I fought my way through every last interview with the bravado of an experienced, intelligent, no-holds-barred sales and marketing machine.  That facade crumbled on day one when I basically didn't even know how to log onto my computer and thought the office was playing a practical joke on me when I was the first to arrive in the morning.  Thankfully, that didn't last too long.  My computer has stayed on - no logging on, necessary and I fumbled my way through some of the programs and reports and spreadsheets and starting to get into a groove.  I know I like the job when I don't look at the clock every minute waiting for the bell to ring.  I'm happy with the way everything panned out for me in this new career and I think I'll stay awhile.

With every new experience, heartache, struggle and loss of direction, I get a little bit stronger each time.  The truth is always right around the corner.  It has a funny way of showing up sometimes, but it's always there.  It's that little voice in your head, giving you reassurance that everything happens for a reason.

As the new year approaches, I intend to go back to where I started when writing this blog and follow the steps:

1. Be happy - Love life and life will love you back.
2. Meditation 
3. Help others - give back
4. Read more

Those aren't the easiest of tasks; I have my work cut out for me.  Looking back, as I followed those steps, my life turned around and I was genuinely happy on the inside and I know I can get back to that place again.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"  Lao-Tzu

There are no absolutes

Unemployment sucks.  Where are all the jobs?  Interviews suck.  What is my purpose?  Should I settle?  Why do I have to endure more suffering?  I feel like my feet are stuck in 1000 pounds of cement and I don’t know how to move forward. 

How can I find peace of mind in the face of all of this?

Many times I have reasons to be unhappy and sometimes reasons to be happy.  My new task is to be unreasonably happy.

Quite Sufficient

"As strange as it sounds, meditation may reveal that we are happier than we thought we were.  We may discover that ancient conditioning rather than present circumstances is causing our dissatisfaction, and that this moment is quite sufficient or even wonderful, and we simply hadn't noticed".
 -Wes Nisker (Buddha's Nature)

Only our searching for happiness prevents us from seeing it.  It is within.  It is always there.
To save myself from incredible amounts of suffering, I must remember to 'let it go', 'let it go'.

Mexico & Beyond

I took a long walk today; it was overdue.  My schedule has been changing these past few weeks and I’m learning to adjust.  Walking and thinking; it’s my favorite form of meditation.  It’s good to get out of a typical schedule and be able to easily re-adjust to a new one.  No matter what the circumstance, my priorities are constant.  I love my active lifestyle and that will never change. 

I hit it up a notch this past weekend, by going on a caravan with new people to Rosarito, Mexico to play in a volleyball tournament.  I was hesitant to go on this trip, because I only knew a handful of people and was nervous to play in a draw tournament.  I’m very happy that I convinced myself to go, as the people I met were super cool and I made the play-offs.  My social circle just continues to expand, proving it’s never too late in life to make new friends.  By joining a new volleyball league, I found people to play with and friends to hang out with as well.  This is something anyone can do.  What are your passions in life, or what are you curious to learn more about doing?  There are groups and opportunities for everything imaginable and by trying them out, you just may make a new friend or two.  In Mexico, I truly felt like I was part of the beach volleyball community and hanging with the ‘cool kids’.  I realize that no matter what, I will always have an active lifestyle and stay competitive in some way.  

My freelance reporting is not gonna pay the bills, but it’s rewarding in other ways.  Check out my new article:

http://sduptownnews.com/labor-of-love-in-the-heart-of-mission-hills/

Back on Track

The Summer of Sara (2.0) has started off with a bang!  It’ll be a year ago next month when my unemployment started.  Looking back, in the beginning, it was a time of excitement and nervousness.  I had no real plan, but felt happy and filled my time with fun and activities.  I wasn’t prepared to look for a job right away, because I only wanted to enjoy the moment and deal with the rest later.  Well, it’s later – a year later and I’m enjoying the moments again.  My personal life has come full-circle, and I continue to develop my talents and passion to find the right career path. 

Despite the “June gloom”, I won’t let a little cloud coverage stop me from enjoying the beach.  I’m taking full advantage of volleyball games, waterskiing and long walks.  I know this could all end with one phone call and an offer, so I don’t feel guilty while at play.  With the freelance reporting gig, I truly like the process of interviewing and writing. It has been fulfilling. I believe that this could actually develop into something larger than what it is now.  I am in control of what that could be, as I need to reach out and find other avenues for people to utilize my skills. 

I am almost finished with my second article for the SD Uptown News.  It’s another business profile – this one for a new, trendy restaurant.  Bonus points for some free, yummy food and a supportive dinner date.  I am a real lucky girl with a permanent smile on my face.  I am proud of myself for making positive changes in my life and attitude.  I was the only one who could get me there, and I still work at it everyday.  More fun times to come!  

The Curveball

Life is not predictable. Just when I thought I had a little traction on the job-front, things keep changing for me.  I’m able to roll with the punches and be open for any ‘pitch’ that may be thrown my way, but with each strike, I lose some motivation.  From one day to the next, I find myself contemplating my actions, or lack thereof and wonder if this contentment is enough for me?  Without a schedule, life can be a challenge to keep on track and bring focus on the end goal – employment. 

   

Would my perfect scenario really manifest for me?  I visualize it, but why do I feel that it may just be too good to be true?  I am conditioned to believe a certain way, and it needs to change in order for me to be okay with today and stop worrying about tomorrow.  I will continue to put myself out there and take on another reporting assignment.  The first one helped build a lot of confidence in my writing skills.  I’m a Reporter! 

http://sduptownnews.com/powers-plumbing-a-modern-boneyard-of-tanks-and-parts/

Me, Myself and I

When I decided to take this journey a couple of months ago it wasn’t out of curiosity, it was out of necessity.  I woke up one day wanting a better life for myself and to stop feeling so miserable over things I couldn’t control.  I wasn’t confident I could get from point A to point B without an action plan, so I started this blog to be accountable.  At first, it was strictly a selfish task – to find a job that made me happy and to enjoy my life, despite feeling a deep sadness over a loss.  It automatically grew from something internal to a more peripheral vision that has inspired others.  Simply put, a positive outlook and compassion breeds more of the same. 

I have been doing all the things I wanted to do since the beginning: 

1. Choose to be happy  2. Meditation  3. Stay Busy & Help Others   4. Read

What I didn’t expect was how quickly these relatively small changes could make such a big impact on my life.  I still stumble every once in awhile, but my goals seem to be within reach.  I’m not willing to compromise any longer.  I know I have a lot of greatness to offer – whether it is a career where I am valued and can help a company grow or in a relationship that I am loved and it continues to evolve.  As the saying goes – the eyes are the window of the soul; I feel like this blog has been a window to my soul.  Okay, maybe it’s not that dramatic, but I have been accountable, honest and vulnerable.  Hoping to share some great news on the next post!

Science & Spirituality

Seeking enlightenment or being spiritual can be a hard concept to grasp if you’re a cerebral person, or strictly facts-driven, and results-orientated by nature.  Not that there is anything wrong with these personality traits; being skeptical of new ideas is just plain smart. Believing in a God, being religious and praying is not related to meditation or spirituality.  According to Wikipedia, “meditation is any form of a family of practices in which practitioners train their minds or self-induce a mode of consciousness to realize some benefit.”

It’s this “benefit” of meditation that everyone should be trying to incorporate in their lives.  Meditation can reduce stress, change your metabolism, lower blood pressure and build neurons, to name a few.  Science and years of research have the facts to back this statement.  What are neurons, you ask?  Neurons are nerve cells in the brain – the basic building blocks of the nervous system that transmit information.  Why are they important?  Gray matter of the brain is mostly comprised of neurons.  This part of the brain is in charge of your senses:  seeing, hearing, speaking, memory and emotions.  The volume and depth of your gray matter changes as you age.  So, the more neurons you build, the better your brain and your senses.

For you true science geeks and skeptics out there – check out this article:  http://psyphz.psych.wisc.edu/web/pubs/2008/buddha_brain_IEEE.pdf

Thank you Dr. Paula for sending this link my way!

Book Review:

Buddha’s Brain – the practical neuroscience of happiness, love, & wisdom, by Rick Hanson, PH.D and Richard Mendius, MD:

I found a book that perfectly blends the concepts of Buddhism with psychology and neurology.  “Like science, Buddhism encourages people to take nothing on faith alone and does not require a belief in God.”  With God out of the equation, what Buddhist methods and perspectives can foster well-being, happiness and peace-of-mind?  “When we consider the mind as an embodied and relational process that regulates the flow of energy and information, we come to realize that we can actually use the mind to change the brain”. It’s a simple enough concept; whatever thoughts flow through your mind sculpts your brain (gray matter, neurons).  So, if you can take as little as five minutes a day to meditate or go on an all-out transcendental experience, you are awakening your brain and achieving a healthier life.  Ommmmmmmmm……

Solar Eclipse: May 20, 2012.  View as the sun was setting amid cloud-coverage at Pacific Beach, San Diego, California.  

Library Junkie

Read, read, read.  I love books.  It’s been an eclectic mix these past few weeks.  I like to switch it up from new to old, spiritual, historical and light drama. 

Journalistic Writing – Building the Skills, Honing the Craft, by Robert M. Knight.

Yes, it’s as boring as it sounds.  It brought me back to my college journalism classes.  It was proven to be a good refresher book prior to my submittal of the article to the local newspaper.  Outcome to be determined.

 

The Winter Palace – A Novel of Catherine the Great, by Eva Stachniak.

Fiction based on real-life stories of Duchess Catherine, Empress Elizabeth and Prince Peter of Russia, seen through the eyes of their friend, spy, and maid-in-waiting, Barbara of Prussia.  This tale is full of drama, love, jealousy, power struggles, birth and death.  It took me awhile to finish this book.  Not that it wasn’t well-written, but wasn’t quite a page-turner either. 

Another Piece of my Heart, by Jane Green.

Green is a familiar author in the ‘chick lit’ genre – lighthearted, womanhood, love issues. Usually I eat up this sort of stuff, but I found the story annoying and predictable.  I finished it in hopes that it would just be over. 

Be Love Now: The Path of the Heart, by Ram Dass.

For some reason I was skeptical of this book when I picked it up, but actually really enjoyed it.  You have to read it with an open-mind and without judgment.  It focuses on heart-mind alignment, a loving Indian Guru and Hindu Gods.  Dass puts in order steps to take when traveling the path of the heart and enlightenment:

• ·         Reading. Learning. Expanding your mind.
• ·         Doing. Helping others. Teaching.
• ·         Being.

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of your Dreams, by Deepak Chopra.

He is the author of sixty-four books, with nineteen bestsellers. I decided to read his most well-known and popular book.  It was easy to read, easy to understand….and hopefully easy to put into action.

                You are what your deep, driving desire is.

                As your desire is, so is your will.

                As your will is, so is your deed.

                As your deed is, so is your destiny.

--Brihadaranyaka Upanishad  IV 4.5

And, yes, I really do read this much.  It’s not hard to do when you don’t have a job.  Back to the library for me!

Big UP to my Dad who shot his first hole in one yesterday!  Love you Mom & Dad.

Staying in the Zen Zone

One of the most remarkable aspects of this new spiritual path I’m on is the fact that people are taking notice.  This is partly due because I look and feel stronger. Mostly, it’s because I’m putting forth a more positive outlook towards life and it brings out an inner glow.  If there is one thing I could recommend, despite how you feel, just smile and be upbeat.  Of course, it’s easier said than done, but a smile takes little effort. Even if it doesn’t feel completely natural, at least someone else can see it and smile back at you. 

At times, in spite of my outward radiance, I find myself reflecting on negative events and past conversations.  They take me to a place of sadness, worry or judgment.  I feel lonely; and can’t seem to stay in the present moment.  I recognize these feelings are okay to experience and become good reminders that I won’t always be in the ‘zen zone’.  According to Ram Dass in Be Love Now, “Those thoughts and feelings are necessary for a healthy personality.  But if you identify so strongly with the ego that you think that’s all there is, that limited view can keep you away from your deeper Self”. 

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.  Embrace this moment.  Remember.  We are eternal.  All this pain is an illusion.  Parabola – Tool  

These days, I come out of my sorrow quicker and continue to have faith that things will happen as they are supposed to happen.  Hope neutralizes my fear.  All I can do is practice surrender and acceptance towards every situation, knowing that it will get better.

If the road to enlightenment was a straight line in the express lane, than everyone would be floating around in a state of bliss.  The secret is there is no road.  Enlightenment just is – it’s always been there, but you have to seek it in order to find it.  

Setting an Intention

There is a ritual that occurs at the beginning of every yoga class.  With your hands over heart-center, eyes closed, you are asked to set an intention for your practice.  During the next hour, as you concentrate on your breath, you should also continue to bring your focus back to your intention. 

Intention:  a determination to act in a certain way.  “to have in mind a purpose or plan; to direct the mind; to aim”

An intention can be set with you in mind – what you want to get out of class, or you can be selfless and set an intention for someone else.  For me, it just depends on the day, as far as, whom or what my intention will be, but it always focuses on the themes of love, inner-peace and strength.  Yoga is a meditation that simultaneously challenges my body and mind. It has been a key ingredient on my path to enlightenment, and I am always happier when I finish class.  

There is a difference between setting a goal and an intention.  Goals are made with specific results in mind, and they are something you can physically or mentally work towards.  They are tangible, and hopefully attainable.  I have a goal to find a job.  Initially, I had the idea that a job or certain career would be an answer to my everyday happiness.  I no longer believe this is the case.  Being gainfully employed and earning an income are important to me, but that doesn’t mean it lines up with my intentions.  My life intention is quite simple, yet means everything to me.  It is a commitment to align my path towards finding love, peace, happiness and a family.  I know that I can handle any stress or crap that comes into my life, as long as it is filled with love, happiness and eventually a family.  If I’m not brave enough to put that out in the Universe, than I am not learning anything on this journey.  My intentions are not meant to only be focused on during yoga class; they need to guide me everyday forward.  Namaste.  

Gettin' Dirty

You reap what you sow.  Literally.  This past weekend I donated four hours of my time on a hot afternoon near the border of Mexico.  It was Volunteer Day at Wild Willow Farm http://wildwillowfarm.sandiegoroots.org/ and I got to plant and water an entire row of shrubs.  It was back-breaking work, but fun at the same time. I put a lot of love into the soil and made sure each shrub was planted with perfection.  I met fellow garden-lovers and wanna-be farmers and we shared a unique bond for composting and heirloom seeds. 

This is the beauty of volunteerism; you can find an opportunity that excites you, all the while giving back to the community and helping others. The giving of your time, as opposed to writing a check to charity is rewarding and priceless.  Plus, now I have a place to go if I’m itching to pick some vegetables or I want to check up on my shrubbery.  Yeeehaw

More Beer, Please

Mmmmm…..beer.  It’s amazing on so many levels.  How does beer relate to my quest to enlightenment? Well, for obvious reasons, it makes me happy, tastes good and is buzz-worthy.  It also led me to an introduction to the Editor of SD Uptown News.  To be fair, we’re not talking about your run-of-the-mill generic light beer; this was a five-course, farm-to-table, organic spread with a six-ounce starter at 13.6%.  Anyway, I digress.

As the stars aligned, we sat next to the Editor and I immediately asked if she needed any freelancers and offered my services.  I can say with 100% conviction that I wouldn’t have asked the question if I hadn’t been writing this blog.  My new found confidence and willingness to try new things pushed me out of my comfort zone and straight into a news story!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared shitless.  It’s been years, a decade approximately, since I’ve written a news article, but my journalism degree and brand-new AP style book will help lead the way.  Plus, I get to be objective and my opinions and views do not matter.  Presenting the facts, interviewing, and generating story ideas will be fun.  Not to mention, it will look good on my resume too.

New opportunities are coming my way and I am ready for them. Bring on the challenge and bring on more beer.  Cheers!

Book Review:

A Lover’s Discourse (Fragments) by Roland Barthes.  Published in 1978, this book dissects the emotions and feelings when in love.  As Barthes explains, “What is proposed, then is a portrait – but not a psychological portrait; instead, a structural one which offers the reader a discursive site: the site of someone speaking within himself, amorously, confronting the other (the loved object), who does not speak”.  Topics range from the recognizable, “Jealousy”, “Truth”, “The Love Letter”, to the more obscure, “The Tip of the Nose”, “Dark Glasses”, and “Clouds”. 

I was particularly drawn to the chapter, “I Love You”.  I-love-you: the figure refers not to the declaration of love, to the avowal, but to the repeated utterance of the love cry.  The point being, the actual phrase doesn’t mean much; it’s the feelings and actions behind it.  Barthes says, “I repeat it exclusive of any pertinence; it comes out of the language, it divagates – where”?  Loves comes from the depths of your heart. You show love more than you can ever annunciate it.  It is unconditional, and it is ever-lasting.  You could be in love for a day or a thousand years, and the degree that it is felt is just the same.  Forrest Gump puts it best… “I’m not a smart man….but I know what love is”.

Endless Gratitude & Boundless Forgiveness

There are two acts that I believe can help bring everyone inner peace and happiness.  They do not need to be flashy, or subtle; they can be both if the situation warrants it.  Be thankful.  It’s easier to face difficulties when you are grateful for what you have and not concentrate on what you do not have.  You will always be drawn back to a humble state-of-being when you look at your life as a gift, and reflect on the positive influences in your life.  In times of struggle, I am reminded of the great friends I have in my corner.  They show me unconditional love by providing support, laughter and a shoulder to cry on.  I do the same for them, and have genuine happiness for their success.  Gratitude can start with a smile or a simple ‘thank you’, but when you want to feel it on a deeper level, reach out and tell a friend or family member how much they mean to you.  When you say it from the heart and unscripted, there is no better compliment and benefits each person equally.  Being thankful for the people in your life is only one aspect of endless gratitude.  It comes in many forms, and it starts with the recognition that your life path is where it is supposed to be today.  You made it through yesterday, and you have hope for tomorrow.  You are living, breathing and choosing to move forward.  

The act of forgiveness is equally as important as giving thanks.  When you harbor resentment or anger, it affects you more negatively than the person or situation you can’t forgive.  We all make mistakes; no one is perfect.  The process of letting go is to forgive with no restrictions or boundaries.  This opens your heart to more love, more patience, and more space to let in the good.  You can also forgive yourself for not knowing better in your past actions. As you learn from your mistakes, you can choose to not repeat them.  We are all a work in progress.  Love comes from within first in order to give it freely and without regret to others.

 

Books I’m thankful this week:

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman:  This guy is fucking hilarious! Anyone who can compare a relationship to a Coldplay lyric or argue a race debate on being a Lakers vs Celtics fan is a genius in my eyes.  I want to write like him.  I want to read more of his stuff.  I never want to date him.

Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle:  Tolle is my new spiritual hero.  His views are simple, yet powerful and I intend for them to stay with me for a lifetime.  

Work Smarter, Not Harder

As the days pass by, and no new leads or interviews on the horizon, I start to feel a little defeated.  Looking for a job is hard work and I know I'm not spending enough time with the search or looking in the right places.  My stubborn side tells me that something will show online and my resume and cover letter will get me in the door, but my logical side tells me, this isn't working and I need to reach out to my network.  This humbles me and, quite frankly, hurts my ego that I need to rely on others.  This is my path -- my cross to bear, but I am reminded of a saying from my former manager and greatest mentor..."work smarter, not harder".  This was my motto throughout my stay as a banker.  I could always find a way to bring in new deals, without the rigmarole of cold-calling, appointment-setting, and dead-end meetings that typically amounted to nothing.  So, what am I going to do about it?

I need a plan.  I need a strategy.

My spirit is getting stronger, and I'm enjoying unemployment again with daily trips to yoga and afternoon volleyball play.  I'm in a better place mentally, but in order for me to feel fulfilled again I need to work.  I'm smart, creative, and a people-person.  I need to use these skill sets again, and everything else will fall into place.   My plan will to be to reach out to my former co-workers; the ones who have been contacting me for months for lunch dates and I have been nicely blowing them off.  I'm ready. Let's do this!

I took away a lot from the Dalai Lama event last week.  The one philosophy I keep going back to was his story about a horse.  The horse with the blinders on his eyes.  They cannot see what happened to them in the past, nor can they see what's going on around them -- they can only concentrate and focus on what's in front of them as far as their eyes can see.  Do not worry about the past, it already happened...let it go.  Do not worry about what others around you are doing or saying; it doesn't affect you.  Only focus on the present moment, and how you are going to put one foot in front of the other to get where you're going for the day.  Do not have anxiety or expectations for the future.  If you follow your heart, you will never be wrong.

Book Finished:
Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform your Life, by Judith Orloff, M.D.:  I saw this book as a combination of Radical Acceptance, and The Power of Now. The author pointed out a lot of the areas where you harbor different emotions, and how to free yourself of them.  I took away some new meditation techniques and also learned that it is okay to cry.  This is your body's natural way of letting pain go, and brings you to a calmer place.  She also touched upon your dreams, what some of them may mean and how remembering dreams can help you make decisions and understand situations better.  She suggested that you can write an intention in a dream journal before you go to bed, and also write down any dreams you experience.  The journal is a good way to reflect on dreams and setting an intention to your unconscious sleep state can make new opportunities happen.  Hey, what the heck, it's worth a shot.

Evolution; It's Simply Amazing

As each day passes with my new level of consciousness leaning towards happiness and optimism, I continue to see the shift and gains.  My yoga practice and daily meditation is giving me great comfort and new strength to my body and mind.  I volunteered at the Food Bank the other day and after three hours of a thank-less job of bagging 7000 pounds of cabbage, I was delighted to find a ticket to the Dalai Lama come my way.  Good karma some people may call it, but I say, the Universe is conspiring to help me as I help others and myself.

I've been filling my brain with great books and they continue to change the way I think. I do believe that if I didn't experience this much pain and suffering, I would have never decided to do all the things I have been doing to improve my well-being.  They are working.  I am much happier and at peace with what is now, not what could have been or happened in my past.  I have been carrying a great sorrow of past rejections and moments of losing my way, but as I keep letting those go, I gain more confidence in myself and who I truly am. The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle has revolutionized the way I think - my observation of my thoughts and how to enjoy the Now and not to worry about the future or fret about the past.  I never knew my Ego was not my friend, it's the voice in your head trying to control the way you act and feel emotions.  Your true self -  your soul is who you really are, and once you still the mind, your soul goes into auto-pilot. My soul is filled with joy, empathy, love, hope, beauty and peace.  These are the feelings I want to keep on the fore-front of my mind, and life becomes so much easier and fulfilling.

My current breakthrough:  As a person, I will always be evolving - learning new things, teaching others, facing obstacles and triumphs, but it is my soul, my inner-self that will continue to shine with a bright light and that can never be taken away from me.  (Shit, did I just quote a Katy Perry song?)

Books I read these past two weeks:

• The Buddha in the Attic, by Julie Otsuka.  Tales of everyone and no one in particular facing the challenge of being Japanese living in America during the attack on Pearl Harbor and the aftermath they faced in war camps.  Fiction, based on non-fiction...quick read in a writing style I have never seen before..no stand-out characters, but you could connect with them on different levels.
• The Dog Who Danced, by Susan Wilson. Girl loses her dog on a trip cross-country to visit her dying father. In an about-face, she discovers the long-lost love and approval from her Dad, all the while finding a 'knight in shining Harley', and the return of her best friend. Fiction - beach read!
• Journey to Ixtlan, The Lessons of Don Juan, by Carlos Castaneda.  This book falls right into the theme of finding your Power and following your inner warrior.  I got a lot out of this book on a spiritual level and actually made me think, taking peyote might not be so bad.
• The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle.  This book changed my life.  I will try to take on the challenge of covering it in my next post...  baby steps.

Keeping It Real

Truth be told, this whole positive-thinking and optimism is hard work.  Today is just one of those days that I feel like a failure and just want to get away from it all.  This is coming from a girl who grew up fighting to fit in and never feeling good enough.  Do I need to dissect where my insecurities came from to be free of them all?  They seem to come and go on good days and bad days, but they continue to be an under-lying challenge for me.  I want to find a job where I'm happy to go to work everyday and people value me; I want to be in a loving relationship with constant support and companionship.  They couldn't seem more farther to grasp than in any other point of my life.  When I get so close, they get teared away so easily.

I am fighting and I am digging deep to learn from these hardships and become a better person.  I don't want to live in the past, with regret and I don't want to keep worrying about the future.  I want to have faith all will work out great for me, I just need to put in the hard work.  No one said it would be easy.  No one said it would be this hard either.

A New Vision: LifeClass

I will always be a student: this I know for sure.  My mind is opening up to new ways of thinking and approaching life.  I would always laugh at the thought of 'self-help', because it conjured up images of desperate people willing to brainwash themselves for the hope of a better way to look at life.  Well, if Oprah can get on board with it, so can I.  I love Oprah (not embarrassed to say so) and profound authors.  They have popped into my life recently, and happy to share what I have learned.

On Oprah's LifeClass these past two weeks featured Self Help Guru's, Iyanla Vanzant and Tony Robbins.  Their  message was almost exactly the same, if you want a better life, you gotta change your story.  Meaning, stop living in the past, living in fear and feeling sorry for yourself.  Give yourself a good kick in the pants and start working on becoming a better person.  In order to make a breakthrough in life, use your fear as power to throw yourself into a better strategy to get what you want/desire and stay in a quality state of mind.  I keep telling myself, happiness in a choice, it's easier to go through life with a smile, than continue to dwell on the sadness.  It seems simple enough, but I never really had the courage to do it.

Books I finished:

• A Sorrow Beyond Dreams, by Peter Handke.  This is a poignant, yet sad tale that chronicles the author's mother's life and her suicide.  His mother seemingly got caught up in her sad story and never found a way to get out of it.  Her fear was so strong that she couldn't step into the 'unknown' and make changes.  "And because your days were spent in unchanging associations, with the same things, they became sacred to you; not leisure but work was sweet.  Besides, there was nothing else."  "Instead of losing herself in her work, she took it in stride; consequently she was discontented."
• The Zahir, by Paulo Coelho.  After just finishing The Alchemist, I had to get my hands on another book by this author.  He hasn't disappointed yet.  The story revolves around an obsession (the Zahir) to find his missing wife, understand why she left him in the first place and to free himself of his story.  I can relate to this book on many levels and took me on a journey to free myself.  "When I had nothing more to lose, I was given everything.  When I ceased to be who I am, I found myself. When I experienced humiliation and yet kept on walking, I understood that I was free to choose my destiny." 

My Personal Legend

On my quest to Enlightenment, I am taking small steps each day, knowing that this is a life-long journey and a never-ending path to discovery.  The changes I have been making since beginning of this phase will hopefully stay with me over time and continue to bring new positive changes in my life.

1. Choose to Be Happy.  I realize that happiness is a choice - it took me awhile to get there.  I have spent too many years dwelling on my sadness and living in the past.  I'm thankful for my life, friends and family and by putting a smile on my face, the world is a happier place.  This new-found optimism also seems to be rubbing off on the people around me.  It's amazing how a few words of encouragement and gratitude can go such a long way.
2. Meditation.  I view this as a form of exercise for my mind and soul.  To me, it's not connected to any religion or God; just an act of peace and lovingkindness to myself.  The more I practice it, the better I get at it.  Clearing out my mind for 20 minutes, twice a day, puts me in a calmer space. It helps to rid my mind of negative thoughts and gives me encouragement that I do matter and life is happening now and the world is conspiring to bring me peace and happiness.
3. Stay Busy - Help Others.  I recently signed up to volunteer at a local food kitchen. My days are wide-open, so I mind as well fill them by helping others.  I am also trying to say 'yes' to whatever comes my way - in terms of exercising or hanging out with friends, events or anything new that interests me.
4. Read.  I have always loved reading. I continue to pour myself into books, instead of lounging in front of a tv. I could keep myself busy for the rest of my life with an endless supply of books at the library.  I am also finding that this is helping me re-spark my love of writing - hence, this blog.

I finished two books this weekend, and without planning, there themes both focused on personal growth and making your dreams become a reality.

• The Water-Babies, by Charles Kingsley.  This fairy tale classic was first published in 1863. It's a magical story of an unfortunate young boy who's life changes for the better, only after he takes on a journey of self-discovery, with a lot of bumps in the road.  "You must not talk about 'aint' and 'can't' when you speak of this great wonderful world round you, of which the wisest man knows only the very smallest corner..."

• The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho.  I read this book years ago, and fell in love with it all over again. The clear message is to follow your dream, your Personal Legend, as the Soul of the World is conspiring for you to achieve it..   "It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting..." "Before a dream is realized the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way."  

The young shepherd is told that his Personal Legend was discovered early in life, when everything seems more clear and possible.  It is not until you experience pain and disappoint for the first time that your Personal Legend (dream) starts to fade with the fear that it will not be realized.  It is this fear that should be your driving force in life to work even harder to accomplish your goals. "It's a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your Personal Legend.  It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the Universe.  It's your mission on earth....And when you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."  This helps me realize that I may not be on a specific career path at this present time, but I cannot be afraid to start over; start something new and take a chance in life.  What was my Personal Legend as a small girl?  How did it fade away so deep and quickly that I can't even remember what it was in the first place? Possibly, my Personal Legend has yet to be discovered, so therefore, my dreams are wide open and ready to begin.  With this path before me, I still try to keep with the practice of living in the now and forgiving myself for any past mistakes or mishaps along the way.  "The secret is here in the present.  If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it.  And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better.  Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children.  Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity."  I have today, right now to grow with an open heart and dig deeper than I ever have to uncover my Personal Legend; what matters most to me in this world and start working towards it.

The Starting Line

As a former track and field 'superstar', I know first-hand the dreaded anticipation of the starting blocks and the feeling in your gut before the gun fires.  There is a lot that goes into that nanosecond before the starter pistol clicks.  You must spend hours training your body and mind - it's these preparation skills that I have acquired along the way and must cultivate on my path.  I have trained my body by achieving my Bachelor's degree, working various jobs and building a skill-set and flashy resume.  Training my mind will always be a constant motion; staying positive and confident that I have something great to offer this world.  What that may be, it's up in the air for now!

Various Radical Considerations:

• WOOF International - this is an organization that places people to work on organic farms around the globe, offering free board and food in exchange for hard-labor hours.  Why does this appeal to me?  I have this idea that I want to eventually live off-the-grid someday and grow and farm my food.  At times where I find myself most vulnerable, I always seem to fantasize a life on a mountain, surrounded by trees, animals, lakes and a garden.  It's such a strong force, that I don't want to ignore it.  I don't consider my tiny apartment with four plants a starting point for this goal.
• GAP Adventures - these are organized, long-term, out of the country group trips.  I haven't seen the world, and have no previous experience traveling over-seas, so it scares me, but there is a solution that does appeal to me. I could drop some cash, hop on a plane and have a travel adventure with like-minded people and feel safe that I have a hotel booked and dirty bus to catch.  This would be my "Eat, Pray, Love" portion of the path to enlightenment, and who knows, I may never come back to my tiny apartment.  
• Backdoor Jobs - Short-Term Adventure Jobs - How about spending the summer in Alaska kayaking and hiking the great wilderness?  I found this website through a friend and considered it to be amazing.  I need to spend more time to see what they have to offer, but it's hard to initially contemplate moving to a farm on Vermont during the summer months and miss beach volleyball season in San Diego. 
• Volunteerism - I want to spend time giving back and being in a social environment to help others in need. I have checked the box for the San Diego Food Bank and next stop is an animal shelter.  Pets lift my spirits and that is what I need in my life right now.  
• Spiritual Path - As I re-read Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, I am trying to include meditation into my daily life.  I've committed to 20 minutes twice a day.  It's challenging, but uplifting and as my days grow more positive, I have to admit it's working.  I will also re-commit to my yoga practice and just keep moving.  I've been contemplating killing my television for some time now, and will incorporate more reading into my days, so I don't have the time to numb my brain on reality tv. 

I may be at the starting line now, but as time moves on, I will soon be flying around the corner and hitting the straight-away with my long strides and burning lungs, knowing that I finish first.

Books finished thus far....
The Marriage Plot, by Jeffrey Eugenides -- freakin' awesome!
The Writing Life, by Annie Dillard -- quick read and transcendental

Living the Dream and Dreaming to Live

At age 33, I find myself at a great turning point in life. Thus far, I have been aimlessly living, working and playing without really paying attention to what I want out of life, and what truly makes me happy.  It seems like an easy-enough question to answer, but as I go around and around in my head, I really have no clue.  Part of me is scared, unsure, insecure and plain lazy.  The other part is motivated and hopeful.  It is the latter that drives me to write this blog and take the action steps to become a better me.

I was riding the business banking wave in 2008 and thought it was a good place to be at the time -- not great, just good.  I loved my managers and working environment, but it slowly started to disintegrate and there was no turning back.  After a couple years of being stagnant, losing motivation and not knowing what was to come, the banking world shifted upside down for me.  Ultimately, it was a blessing in disguise and now I spend my days in complete freedom, with no schedule, alarm clock, or dry cleaning bills.

It's been 8 months of a roller coaster of feelings - first happy and relieved, then feelings of inadequacy and stress to everything in between when you live a life of leisure and automatic bi-monthly paychecks.  I have been fortunate with my low-maintenance, low-budget lifestyle and savvy savings skills.  I do recognize with certainly that I'm not driven by money or fancy things; I just want to be at peace, happy and fulfilled.  It is at this time that I can no longer wait by the sidelines and hope that something great will just fall into my lap. Although, I haven't particularly tried too hard to find a new job, and now is no better a time to start.  Maybe it's not a full-out career plan (just yet), but just some thoughts that have been running across my mind that I will start to take action on.

Considerations to come...